Emily's Story
By MorganI found out I was pregnant on August 6th 2008. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was pregnant, since I have been before. I knew what to look for I had all the classic symptoms. I took a test and I'll be damned it came up positive. I was a little scared at first, thinking what my friends might think, what about my parents, sister, etc. I knew I was keeping the baby, I just didn't know how to come about telling people.. My boyfriend (Tristan) also wanted to keep the baby, so that made me even more excited!! I was going to be a mommy, oh joy, what a happy day it was.E
Into the first trimester I was having severe nausea, I don't even want to call it morning sickness, because it wasn't. It was all the time sickness, all hours of the day, night and it actually caused me to move out of my boyfriends apartment. Not that the apartment stinks or anything. It's right by a busy road and just so happens, the smell of car exhaust made me more ill than hell. I can't count how many times I've "let loose" walking to my parked car, or riding in my car with a Wal-mart bag up to my face. gross. I was put on some anti-nausea meds, they worked so well. I could eat and drink again...yay!
Into the second trimester, my ob/gyn came across my ultrasound pictures... this was around 18 weeks. She said she saw some Choroid Plexus Cysts, in my babies brain, nothing to be worried about, they usually dissolve by 28 weeks. Well, they did dissolve around 24 weeks as expected. I was very happy at my level 2 ultrasound, not only was my baby healthy, but I found out I was having a girl! After that ultrasound I was scheduled for a follow up ultrasound 4 weeks later to check her growth.
I went into the Hospital in Baltimore City. I signed in, signed my dad, mom and sister in also. We were all so happy to be seeing my little girl wiggle and move on that screen. My dad is a big softy and throughout the whole ultrasound he was blubbering, seeing his granddaughter made him overwhelmed with joy. She was healthy, they were having some trouble seeing her brain, and making measurements. I thought this was normal because she was in a weird position, where her head was down, basically hiding her head. So I got a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Well, there was something really wrong. I knew it, I could see it on the Dr.s face, and especially on the nurses face. She was almost in tears.
My daughter had water on the brain also known as Hydrocepholus. They quickly diagnosed it as a fatal condition. She had some sort of cyst blocking the brain/spinal fluid flow, and it was causing severe pressure on her brain. Also they pointed out a severely dilated ventricle and some separated parts of the brain. They called it "dandy-walker syndrome." The genetics counselor, was talking so much gibberish, I was so hysterical I couldn't even hear her. I didn't want to hear her, Actually I acted quite rudely, I was angry. Angry at God, myself, Tristan, everyone. What caused my healthy child to abruptly become so severely ill, in a matter of 4 weeks? My heart just dropped right out of my chest. "I can't do this" I repeated several times, actually over and over and over. The genetics counselor, looked me in the eye and said these exact words "We here at Sinai Hospital, are very open. This is a non-judgmental hospital and we support everything you choose to do" at this point I knew where she was headed. "you do have options you know." I didn't like where this was going. "you can choose to terminate". I didn't want to "choose" anything, I wanted my baby healthy, why wasn't there something they could do? Why didn't anyone know anything about this? Why?
The next morning we went back to Sinai, including Tristan. We got another ultrasound, all confirming the condition, over and over again. I kept thinking it could change, but it was changing...it was getting worse, very quickly. She was dieing, inside of me. How wonderful it feels to be a mother to be, a first time mother, having her first child die inside her. I knew what I had to do. I sat and thought for a long time - to me it was a long time, it really was a weekend. I decided, to have a medical termination. I hate calling it that. I didn't "terminate" my daughter. I didn't do it out of convenience or selfishness. I wanted her to be happy in her life, she wasn't going to be, actually she was probably not even going to make it through the pregnancy. Which would be so much harder for my family and me.
I was admitted into John's Hopkins Hospital around 10 am on Tuesday January 13th 2009. All the paper work and billing took about an hour or so. Then talking with the genetic counselor, I had questions but I knew all the answers to them. I just wanted to hear her say them. I felt like my head was going to explode, I think I had her give me 3mg's of Xanax before I even got near the ultrasound machine. It was enough to stop my panic, but not enough to stop my heart from hurting so much. NO drug can do that. We went into this big, cold, open room, with lots of desks, and medical tools. They started the ultrasound, I saw my baby. It hurt. I hurt. We all hurt in that room, I could tell, even the "stone cold" John's Hopkins doctors. I could tell. Emily's foot was on her head. It was so cute, I laughed. She had my sense of humor. I felt like she was telling me "mommy its OK". I got the amniocentesis over with, no pain.
Then it was time for them to do the actual procedure. They stuck me again, guiding this needle, by ultrasound, into my daughters heart, gave her an injection, which in a mater of seconds stopped her heart. Tears rolling down my face, I made no sound. I had nothing left in me to make a sound. Just tears. Tristan wiped my face, and just looked at the monitor. His daughters heart beat, gone, no more. I got up, relief came over me, but quickly washed away. I felt guilt, I still feel guilt. I got to my room. I changed into my gown, and a nurse came in to start my IV. Once she was done, I got started on my pain pump. They started to induce me. They tried some kind of hormone through my IV. That was working way to slow. I pushed my pain pump about 6 times before they tried to open my CLOSED cervix with these seaweed sticks. My God was I in pain. That hurt, a lot, they stopped because she was damaging my cervix and I bleeding very heavily. As I dilated, I got a little scared, and I had an epidural. For one, I got it so I could relax, and two I got it so I wouldn't be so high during my delivery. I wanted to remember. I wanted to be stone sober when I was holding my baby.
I got the epidural. I meditated, I don't remember it, just the fact that the nurse had to reminde me to breathe, thats it. I liked it, it was a cool feeling. I wasn't in pain. They stuffed about 15 seaweed sticks in my cervix opening it up, helping my body work faster. I couldn't feel it. About 12 am, I was in PAIN. I couldn't feel the contractions, I could feel the pressure of the baby.. The nurse and the OB came in, and I started hard labor. 30 minutes of pushing is all it took to get my little 2 lb baby out. I was blindfolded so I didn't see her, or the placenta. I was trying to be calm. I herd my mother whimpering, and Tristan sigh. I got cleaned up, I unblindfolded myself. Then it was time.
They had her wrapped up in two baby blankets. She was beautiful. So beautiful. She didn't look like a 27 week old baby. She looked like a newborn. She had Tristan's nose and my lips. She looked like me, when I was born. I lost it soon as I saw her. I just sobbed to myself, while holding my baby. Everyone was crying. I cried as I watched Tristan hold his daughter. I wanted so much for her to just pop up and just be alive and healthy. "I'm a murderer" I said. My dad comforted me. He knew I wasn't, I made the choice for her. I wouldn't want to suffer inside my mothers womb, I wouldn't want to be born severely mentally retarded with heavy brain damage. Nor as a mother would I want my child go have to go through life like this, having painful brain surgeries over and over. I didn't want to be the one to make this choice, I didn't make the choice for me, I made the choice for her. Which haunts me in a way. Everyone got a chance to hold her, and grieve over her head, and leave tears. Everyone kissed her and touched her soft skin. She was so beautiful, it felt so cruel of God to have to make me do this. But he didn't make me do it, he helped me do it. HE gave me the courage to have mercy on my child. HE gave me the strength to get up off my knees and make this merciful choice. You know that quote "God works in mysterious ways"? Well this is how he works. He doesn't do anything to hurt you or try to hurt you. HE gives you strength, and courage to get up off your knees.
The Chaplin came in to bless Emily, my family, myself and the nurses. I cried the whole time. Then I had to let her go. It was so hard, but I did it. I kissed her head, told her I loved her and the nurse took her away. Then I cried. The nurse gave me more Xanax, I drank my whole cup of water. I stopped crying. Out came the IVs, the Epidural, and out the door I went. Faster than a speeding bullet. I even told the nurses to forget the wheelchair, I wanted out then and there. I wanted out NOW. I left the hospital (in a wheelchair, I wasn't allowed to walk) out the Labor and Delivery area, with out a baby. I felt like people were watching me and saying, "wheres her baby"? I was angry, but too tired to express it. On the way home, at 5 am, it snowed a little. I thought of Emily, she knows how much I love the snow. I talked about it to her all the time. Alone in my room with her inside of me. She was the snow that night. She told me she was OK, she was with God, she was happy.
I went through so much physical pain, with out reward. I have a postpartum body with out reward. I'm going through a mental breakdown and postpartum depression with out a reward. I have nothing but turmoil and pain. No reward. The choice I made was a very hard one. It was a choice out of love and compassion. There are so many rare syndromes that can effect a pregnancy, and a lot of them doctors know nothing about. This has affected my family and I so deeply. I'm still recovering today, and I'm terrified of future pregnancies. I miss Emily so much, her kicks waking me up in the morning, the ultrasounds, the doctor visits every month I even miss the morning sickness. I want my child back, and it seems so unfair that I can't have my child, why did God take my baby, and not someone else's? There are a lot of people who don't deserve to have children. I had all the support in the world from my family, friends and Tristan. I don't want to be judged on my decision, only God can do that. I want people to read my story with an open mind and an open heart.
Thank you for reading my story.