Putting it Behind You

A Mom Moving On

I lost my baby at 21 weeks. We found out at our 20 week scan that our baby had fluid on the brain and Spina Bifida. She would never have walked and would have had a very sad — and not a very long life. We decided to end the pregnancy on April 10th, 2005. It is now one year on and I can say it has not been an easy year to get through, but I did it. My husband and I moved house, we enjoyed holidays with family and we have good, understanding friends.

This is my story of how I became the person I am today. I don't need to tell you all the sadness and pain I went through, as this is all a normal part of losing a baby you so wanted to have. All the crying in the world will not bring my baby back and I am happy that my baby is free from pain and free from the cruel world in which we live.

I decided to go back to work six weeks after losing baby Holli. I knew she had gone to a better place and would have a better life in heaven. I tried very hard to get stuck in my work and not feel sad. As I work in childcare, it made it very difficult for me and after work I would come home very sad. I got to know many of the parents at the nursery and in talking with them, I found out that many parents had lost babies at 33 weeks, 14 weeks, and 12 weeks and so on. What I am trying to say is, all these people went on to have lovely healthy babies and I got to look after and care for them every day. The staff, parents and children all helped me through such a bad time in my life, as did my lovely husband and family.

I hope to try again for a baby of my own very soon even though I am very scared. I will do it and if it all were to go wrong again, I would try and try again until I get my baby.

I hope my story helps all the people like me who have had a bad experience in pregnancy. I hope you put it behind yourself one day. You won't ever forget that lovely little baby and how much you wanted that child, but it was not meant to be. It's very true what they say: "You only get one chance at this life; make it a good one." Life has to go on. Mine has, and I want to give you hope that your's will too.


Mothers tell their stories...

I told her how sorry I was and that I loved her and did not want her to suffer. I would rather suffer every day for the rest of my life than to allow her to suffer one moment in life.

~Mom of an Angel

Everything was going great. As already having two "normal" pregnancies under my belt, I felt confident. I knew there was always that chance of hearing bad news but I said "no, not me, not our baby."

We felt that if our daughter had been in a car accident and was on life support with the same internal injuries, we would not keep her on life support and let her suffer. This child deserved the same dignity."

~ A grieving mom

I initially thought I would "be brave" and continue my pregnancy. But I came to realize that ultimately it wasn't about how strong I could be, how deeply I wanted this baby or what important lessons he could teach me. It was about what he would experience in his short life. Given his diagnosis, he would have known only suffering. As his mother, I couldn't allow that to happen.

~ A mother at peace

It was our ignorance for believing that all pregnancies led to a healthy baby. It was my arrogance for believing that since I had the best medical care, took prenatal vitamins even before and during my pregnancy, never took drugs, never smoked cigarettes and drank about half a glass of wine a year, that our baby would be safe.

~A bereaved mother

A mother will stop at nothing, including her own hurt, both mentally and physically, to protect her child.

~Brokenhearted Mother